self empathy
Part I
Wow! How quickly the cold dark weather can take some of us into the depths of unpleasantness. We know that this is supposed to be the season to go deep, feel our needs and feelings, plant seeds and be in the rich darkness where things germinate. Supposed to… that’s a slippery slope.
As soon as I am able to throw off those self-expectations of this time of year I start to feel better. Sunshine is helpful, and we expect it in Colorado all times of year. We are not getting so much this winter and I am not going somewhere warm and sunny for even a short amount of time this year. (I’m in the middle of building a new business.) Even going to the arctic feeling Midwest for my Mom’s sunny smile and her warm love is denied me this year. (She passed in last May.)
So what is a girl to do? I bought a pair of used cross-country skis and boots thinking that would take care of my need for Nature that I normally find hard to fill in the winter. Then I got a cold and couldn’t go out, so that was a good excuse to watch movies all day for a day. Then . . . well I could keep on avoiding my feelings. Okay, here it is. I feel sad and lonely and afraid I always will. I also feel anger about things there is no purpose in sharing here. How do allow those feelings room to be here? Can I accept them and be okay that I feel that way? Can I be okay with my resistance to my feelings? That is the work right now.
First of all, I need to remember that feelings are not rational. In this case I am calling emotions feelings for expediency. Emotions are NOT rational. We cannot reason our way out of them. When we think we do, we are just burying them to come out in ways we’ll regret later, and/or to be the cause of dis-ease.
Let me tell you, I could tell you all the reasons why I do not have any reason to feel these above named emotions. Who cares? That’s what I feel!
Part II
Of course there is no formula for success except, perhaps,
an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings. ~Arthur Rubinstein
Okay, I’m back. I expressed* those feelings in the safest, best and fullest way I know how right now. And I commit to allowing them to have space anytime they come up. (Or, if absolutely not possible in any given moment, to promise to come back to them asap.)
Now can I recognize the unfulfilled needs that bring these emotions bring up. I have a need for inspiration, Nature, connection, intimacy, and love. Is it okay to have needs? If we deny our needs we become needy. That is not the way to get our needs met.
To get my needs met I need to give myself empathy, which I have just done here. Now what requests can I make of myself or another that will help me get my needs met. And I must ask myself, am I willing to give another the same consideration?
Part III
Okay, I’m back again. I have made a list of the things I need to do today, which includes deep presence with myself (rather than avoidance tactics). Some of the things on my list are simple things to do for myself, and some things playful with others. Also there is a tough communication I need to have with someone important in my life.
I already feel faint sunshine radiating out from me to fill my house and my world. I know it will be fleeting if I don’t actually follow through on this. And the only way that will happen is if I keep on allowing, accepting what is and loving myself. This I know how to do. (And this I will write much more about when I’m in the right space. No pretending here.)
Sometimes we forget, sometimes we need to reach out and get some help. It is never okay to drown alone. Ask for what you need. Maybe you make a mess and have to clean it up. So? Each one of us is a precious and weird creature deserving of love and attention. Start by looking in the mirror and seeing how much you can open your heart to yourself today.
* It is quite possible for some people to express emotions while still not really feeling them! (For example, a person with a quick anger trigger is often reacting out of habit. It does not mean they are actually allowing room for the anger to be and move. A reaction is not quite like being curious with our feelings. Curiosity is essential to allowing and accepting.)
Just hanging out with the feelings, or the resistance to them, and allowing that, will often soften the feelings, and even the resistance. This will likely allow more access to deeper feelings, and/or what you are needing right now. You can fully experience/feel whatever you feel without any outward demonstrable expression. Relaxation into it and allowing the subtler energies to flow without getting stuck in the bigger flashier stuff may be key for you. And if you have a meditation practice, this makes even more sense. Otherwise, asking for help is key.
