filling the hole
How do I fill that hole inside? I know it has to get filled from the inside out, and I have a whole tool belt full of ways to do so. None of this intellectual knowing is worth a hill of beans in the face of loneliness, deep sorrow, anxiety and lack of faith in one’s own future.
What is precious
inside us does not care
to be known by the mind
that diminish its presence.
~ David Whyte
At some much deeper level, perhaps the true wisdom of my years of experience, I know that the more I can sink into the difficult feelings, accept the pain and richness of that hole, the more depth and breadth my healing will provide. I must learn to be my own balm.
And my whole life does not need to be consumed by this pain. It shows itself at the most inconvenient times, tears streaming down my face at Qigong with the teachers smiling out at me, feeling I must fake a smile at a casual friend in the grocery store, and keeping up the energy of household chores. It comes when it comes.
Most often I do feel the lightness of heart that is me, yet I cannot deny the heaviness in my heart at the same time. It is a heavy anchor that will not leave me alone unless/until I give it my full attention. It’s only from that place that the balm of self and Self love can begin to do it’s healing work.