When I was deeply immersed in the New Age movement in the mid to late 70s, I heard someone say from the stage, “I am the center of the Universe.” Nothing in my life had prepared me to believe that. I was screwed. My upbringing as a Methodist had not delivered me from self-loathing, now I didn’t think this bs could either.
In retrospect if the speaker had said, “I am the center of my own Universe,” I might at least have been able to think about that. But instead as the rant went on the loathing deepened. Everyone else seemed to be happy. After all this was opulent Santa Barbara – where I still knew very few people.
I became a seminar junkie, looking for answers in all the wrong places. I did gain some intellectual understanding of what makes some of us so screwed up, but it did not change my circumstances.
I came home from work one night and cried all the way to bedtime, wondering if there was more to life. I was close to breaking. Close enough that I decided to put my focus on how to gain happiness. (I know now that is not the goal, but it helped under those circumstances.)
I began by taking inventory of my life. How was I taking care of myself – physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually? It was not my fault the I was in a strange place and finding decent affordable housing was tough.
I had to assess ability and willingness to take care of myself, my current level of resilience and my ability to receive love. Owning how judgmental about others I was, I know guaranteed I was being that hard on myself.
It was a choice point. Numb out, stay stuck, or dig deep and chance feeling worse for a while at least.
At some point it hit me – how could I not be the center of my own universe?
I’m not talking about narcissism, or delusionary thinking here. I’m talking about how everything we do, have, feel, think or experience arises from who we are – what we attract to us. Was I a sun or star, or a black hole? Do I project love or do I attract hate?
(I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, but thankfully living alone.)
Again, I’m not talking about the new age theory that says you attracted your illness. I am saying we attract the people who help us in our illness or those that really don’t care what happens to us. And even if I was not receiving the love I needed, somewhere deep inside I know I had to heal past buried traumas. That did not make me a bad person!
It makes me someone who needed to get serious about healing. It made me someone who needed some help in getting out of the victim mentality. It made me someone who needed to be truly loved. And that started with truly loving myself.
And how does one do that when they have embodied darkness that is still under their conscious reality?
What one needs to do depends on how deep that black hole goes.
With no money to spare I was determined. I found my first therapist who was willing to do a trade, illegal though it was. It was my start into years, off and on of psychotherapy (mostly body-centered), therapy groups, and learning to meditate.
I began to accept myself as I was. Eventually I even learned to love myself. I began to “accept what is, let go of what is not.”
I want that and more for my clients. No matter your age or the state of today’s world, you can find you balance point. You can learn to relax and appreciate the love and beauty all around.
My program on self-care/regulating your nervous system is a good start and maybe just what the doctor ordered for some of you. For others it will just be a band-aid designed to get you to the next step. And maybe that is therapy. I know there are free programs out there, but again it takes intention and attention and desire. You will carve out the time and find what you need if you really want to find that place of equilibrium.
I do pray that all human beings find their inner peace, the place where they know themselves to be love.
