My Story
A story about depression and lack of fulfillment to health and the ability to hold myself and life with equanimity and sweet love.
I was a mess underneath what most people saw. I was a leader, I was smart, kind and all the things that one is supposed to be. I certainly looked put together! Yet something was not working. Depression was all too familiar, though you’d never see that on my smiling face. I couldn’t quite get a grip on what I was supposed to be doing with my life. I felt unfulfilled.
I’m good at processing and dropping deeply into emotional material. Starting in my twenties I participated in Lifespring and began working with a myriad of spiritual teachers. In my thirties I worked with various gurus and began doing deep inner work in groups and individually. I had been meditating for years. So why was I flailing? I got accepted into a year long wilderness training and before it started I contracted Lyme Disease, which temporarily took away my congnitive ability and put me on disability for a year.
Before being fully recovered from that I contracted acute Hep C and could not even walk unassisted for 3 months. I was blessed enough in my healing process to be able to check out of the world for a year. I only spent time in Nature and with myself (and a little with my kind husband). I started listening deeply to what I was telling myself. Can I ever make up stories! And I never knew I could be so unkind until I started hearing how I spoke to myself, or one aspect of myself to another.
When I made simple mistakes I would judge myself harshly. Even not being able to recall words or think as quickly as I used to could send me spiraling off into mean self-talk. I would often compare myself to someone who had it “more together” than I did. I had little patience for myself when it took longer than I thought it should to “get over” something, or figure something out.
I mean, come on, I’d been teaching compassion communication and was so grateful when I was able to show empathy to others, why not to me? And as a spiritual leader, with others telling me what a positive impact I’d had on their lives, why couldn’t I pull it together now?
I decided to hold the mantra (and write it everywhere!): accept what is, let go of what is not. I refuted the self-judgment, I stopped wishing for anything to be different than it was. Radical acceptance of what is changed my life. I have come to believe we do not need fixing; we only need to allow ourselves and our life to unfold into the mystery. I am not saying the power of attraction is not real and helpful, only that it is not effective until we fully accept who/what we are now and what our current relationship to life is. I began to experience more ease-of-being, more spaciousness, more sweetness in my life.
Possibilities began popping up that I could not previously see for myself. I found ways to fund trainings I needed, began to see how I could take my teaching to a larger audience by going online, and generally felt a confidence or faith that with deeper presence much more was available to me. I felt clear, grounded, and generally more energetic. And best of all, I quit suppressing aspects of myself that I deemed inappropriate. My wild authentic self is now able to breath and bring me more aliveness. And bring more light to light to the world.
“Radical Acceptance” changed my life
I felt clear, grounded, and generally more energetic. And best of all, I quit suppressing aspects of myself that I deemed inappropriate. My wild authentic self is now able to breath and bring me more aliveness. And bring more light to the world.
Going Forward
Since that year, about 14 years ago, I have been through a move to another state, a divorce from my best friend, pneumonia & shingles, the death of my 19 year-old dear cat, (all at the same time), and a myriad of other things including a short bout with avoidance substances, and poverty.
Yet today I am happier, healthier and more fulfilled than I ever have been. People tell me I am beautiful, and that has never happened! So what’s going on? Well in short, I will give you somewhere to start, or deepen wherever you are in your process.
Start talking out loud to yourself! Be as kind to yourself as you are to your best friend, or your grandchild. The kinder you get to yourself, the kinder you will be able to be to others at the deepest level. You may hear yourself call yourself stupid, ugly, lazy, or any myriad of unkind things. Stories we tell ourselves, beliefs we hold about aging or anything else, come to the surface.
When you pay attention to your self-talk, be curious. Examine those beliefs. This is not about self-flagilation. It’s about self-love. Ask yourself. “How did I come to believe that?” With a strong intention to heal myself and help others through my experiences, I also found journaling to be a helpful tool in working through some of this shit. And remember, as we become more aware and awake, some of our deeper issues come up, because we have a greater capacity to deal with them with some equanimity,.
In re-committing to a spiritual path, renewing practices of embodied dance and qigong, and setting clear intentions I have become more fully integrated than I knew possible. (And of course I am still learning, deepening and self-correcting every day!) I have learned through experience what it means to “be the love I am.” It’s all about love – total freedom through love, through acceptance, through non-judgment.
I want this for you too! Life will always bring us challenges and even suffering, yet it does not have to be such a slog as we can fall into. Joy and sorrow live side by side in our hearts, and turning into the light while allowing room for all of our emotions is a learned skill. I would love to share with you what I have learned on the this path to more light, love and respect of myself. Let’s make the world a better place together!
More About My Work History
- I have been self-employed most of my life and a solopreneur much of that time
- After running my own business as an Office Management Consultant to Wholistic Health Care Practitioners and teaching seminars throughout the state for several years (Santa Barbara, CA), I founded a Spiritual Community, gave a weekly talk and ran a dynamic organization for 5 years (Durango, CO). During that time I became a Certified Mediator, then trained and became certified as a Life Coach and a Relationship Coach (Northern CA). I developed the business model and ran the leadership branch of The Coaches Training Institute. After a lengthy illness where I was disabled for a year, I served as practice manager for a large integrative medical clinic for 4 years (Northern CA).
- I became Certified as a Home Funeral Guide (Northern CA). I did a lengthy training to become a Vision Fast Guide, and have led a Women’s Wild Soul Wilderness Quest every year since then (Paonia, CO). I also have continued to teach compassionate communication, as I have for many years.
- Beginning with the experience of leading a spiritual community I fell in love with ceremony and ritual. I began officiating weddings and other blessings. I have also been doing end-of-life planning and helping with the transition onto the next journey out of body.
- Currently, my purpose is calling me to a vision with passion. I am focusing on sharing wisdom with women, helping them deepen their love and compassion for themselves and this beautiful world. I am excited to start teaching online and soon to include retreats!